Mutant Survivor
by Rhodsey
Summary: Twentyone of Bayville's mutants are stranded on a desert island in this parody of Survivor.
1. The Cast

Mutant Survivor

Disclaimer: You know the drill; I do not own the X-Men (though I wish I owned Pyro), or any other products, services, or persons mentioned hereafter that are globally, nationally, or even regionally known.

(A/N: FYI this _is _a parody. So in most cases, yes the X-Men, Acolytes, Brotherhood, etc. would be able to use their powers and win, but in this case, for the sake of the story they can't. Well, they can, just not as liberally as they would in any other case. Also, the flow is a little bit different, so please bear with me. Think of it ala A. A. Milne; characters interacting with the narrator and such. If you have any suggestions on how to improve the flow—without compromising the narrator—please let me know. So on with it!)

Chapter 1. The Cast

Welcome to the first, and only, season of Mutant Survivor! We have scoured the world for the best—and worst—mutants to strand on some godforsaken desert island, without food and water, for amusement purposes only.

Today we bring you our cast. And in accordance with the Mutant Rights Act, we are not at liberty to divulge the actual names of our mutant contestants.

First, all the way from Australia, we have Pyro. Pyro is a 19-year-old high school drop-out who—

" 'Ang on a sec, mate. Whaddya mean 'drop-out'? I've got me GED. Y'know workin' all 'at time fer Mags, it was kinda rough tryin' t'fit in chemistry, biology, 'n the lot."

Sorry… Pyro is a 19-year old high school graduate—

"On 'is way t'college."

Don't push it, Pyro. Ah-hem—who is fond of fire, writing gothic romance novels, and, well, more fire.

"Y'flatter me, mate."

Our next contestant is Apocalypse. Apocalypse is a very special contestant who traveled the space-time continuum all the way from ancient Egypt to be here today.

"And I really don't want to be here, I'll have you know. I have more power than you could ever imagine. Why, I could—"

All right, Apoc, we get it. Can I please continue now?

"If you insist… minion…"

Anyway, our third contestant is hairy, smelly, and not your average house cat: Sabertooth!

"Grrrr…"

Anything else you'd like to add?

"Grrrr… Wolverine…."

Thank you, Sabertooth. Fourth is everyone's favorite metamorph, Mystique.

"I'm only here because the network promised me I'd win…"

I have confidence in you… If no one else does, I do… (rolls eyes)

And now, may I introduce Iceman.

"Thank you. Thank you, everyone. I'll be here till Thursday. Buy my CDs; they're in the lobby."

Oh, stuff it, Iceman. This is a serious television series full of dangerous stunts, terrains, and animals.

"Can't be as dangerous as half the people I live with. I mean, take Wolverine's breath for example—"

No, I think we'll just move on to our next contestant…

"But I'm not done yet! I haven't even gotten to the good gags!"

There are good gags?

"You're harsh, man…"

Moving on to our next contestant… Miss Jean Grey!

"Wait a minute. I thought that because of the MRA you couldn't give out my real name."

Well, you're the one without a code name, you know. There's nothing the network can really do about that. When you put "Jean Grey" under "Mutant Alias" you kinda screwed yourself over, Red.

"Well, I usually never—I mean, it's not that—Why can't I have a code name! Why, WHY, **WHY!**"

Settle down, Jean. It will be okay. You're a great telekinetic, you're loved by everyone, and you're one of the best students in Bayville.

"I am the best, aren't I?"

Yeah… sure you are.

Moving on once again…Avalanche.

"Yeah, what?"

You're next in the line-up.

"So? What's it to ya?"

Well, then… I was just going to say that you wear a stupid punch bowl on your head, can't control your powers worth a damn, and… and you're ugly too.

"Shadowcat loves me."  
"Who, like, lied to you?"

Ha, ha, ha…

Our next contestant enjoys Bananas Foster, red beans and rice, long, romantic walks along the bayou, and usually ogling himself in the mirror for hours at a time.

"Dat wadn't very nice, _mon ami_."

What? You don't want me to sugar-coat it, do you? You're a cocky, narcissistic egomaniac. What else was I supposed to say to make you sound loveable?

" 'Sides dat Gambit got abs you could wash a load a'laundry wit?"

(collective female sigh)

Oh, please, Swamp Rat. That may be true but everything else said about you was also true.

"Ah, but dose be some a'Gambit's best qualities."

Put that sexy Cajun smirk away. I've got work to do.

Our next contestant, although he doesn't like to talk about it much, is a Holocaust survivor turned mutant rights activist: Magneto, Master of Magnetism!

"That still has a patent pending. You need to watch your copyright laws."

Come on, Magneto, how many other Master's of Magnetism, patent pending, could there be?

"I'm just saying…"

Our next contestant is hairy, smelly, and a lot more lovable than Sabertooth.

"Grrr…"

Sorry, Sabe, but it's true. I'm now happy to introduce Wolverine.

"Wolverine…"

Down, Sabe, down.

There's really not too much to say about Wolverine, because he suffers from amnesia that came about around the time when his skeleton was coated with adamantium, therefore, he neglected to fill out the form provided at the beginning of the show.

"Sorry, Bub."

No problem. This is getting long enough as it is, and we still have 11 more mutants to introduce.

"Well, get crackin', Bub."

Next is Quicksilver, the fast-footed and even faster-tongued son of Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending.

"You bet I'm the fastest. I'd run circles around you any day of the week."

Oh, yeah. Well, I think you're just using your mutant abilities to compensate for the fact that you're a pansy.

"A pansy? Wait a minute, I—"

Actually, I'm sorry, you're not a pansy.

"That's right. I'm not."

No, you're a—

BEEP!

(cut to announcer) Are you're whites white enough? If not, try the new and improved OxyClean! OxyClean cuts through tough stains making you're whites whiter and your brights brighter!

(cut back to Quicksilver crying)

Pansy…

Also, check this out, viewers; it seems that the first season of Mutant Survivor is a family affair! Next on my list is the Scarlet Witch, twin sister of Quicksilver and daughter of Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending.

"Why did you have to say that? I hate my brother and I _hate_ my father…if you could even call him a father."

"But, Wanda, I told you I was sorry…."

"Dad! Don't use my real name!

"Sorry."

Well, that's all for this week. Next week, we will introduce the rest of the contestants and drop them off on the island for the start of Mutant Survivor!


	2. The Cast, Part Two

**Chapter 2. The Cast, Part Two**

Welcome back, viewers, to another episode of Mutant Survivor. Last week we left off with a slight family squabble.

"It wasn't a squabble."

If you say so, Mags.

"Please, don't call me that."

Okay, Mags.

"You know, you're a really crappy narrator."

Yeah, but it's my show. Deal with it.

Anyway, back to the contestants. Next is Beast, the blue, fuzzy philosopher who always has some obscure medical, physical, or literary quote available for any given situation.

"As Shakespeare once said, 'Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.'"

Actually, there is no method to this madness, Beast. We're just gonna drop you off on an island an pray all's well that ends well. See, I can do it too.

"Yes, but as M. I. Abramowitz would say, 'just because the solutions to problems are not visible at any particular time does not mean that those problems will never be alleviated.'"

Okay. You just keep thinking that…

Next is Bayville's resident weather witch, Storm. Storm is an orphan from Africa and can manipulate the weather like nobody's business.

"Thank you, but I would appreciate it if you would not disclose any more information about my past."

Got it. Storm is also claustrophobic and the only 30-year-old woman on the planet with white hair.

"I did ask you nicely not to mention any further information, correct?"

You said about your past. This is present information. And once again—and this goes for everybody— if you don't want the viewers to know, DON'T WRITE IT ON THE STUPID FORM!!!

"Sorry…"

Next is 15-year-old Shadowcat. Shadowcat enjoys, like, shopping, boys, nail polish, like, more shopping, more, like, nail polish—

aside to director Do I really have to read the form verbatim? awaits reply Damn…

—like, more boys, clothes. Yeah, like lots and lots of clothes, and like watching movies till, like, midnight.

"Like, yeah!!"

"God help us."

I'm with ya there, Apocalypse. Next up is Colossus, an 8-foot tall metal behemoth from behind the Iron Curtain.

"If you will excuse my interjection, I would just like it to be known that I am not a communist."

Good, good. Yay for democracy. Can I go on now?

"It is your show."

Thank you. Up next is Rogue. She's a loner, she's a Goth, and she can't touch anybody without killing them!

"You're really great with words, y'know that?"

Why, thank you.

"Idiot…"

Excuse me?

"Ah said you were an idiot. I didn't write that on mah form."

(re-reads form) But it's right here… (lets Rogue read form)

"Thank you… Iceman, Ah'm gonna _kill_ you!!"

Bada-Bing, Bada-Boom. That's—

"That's an episode title. You can't use that."

Thank you very much for your concern, Magneto, Master of Copyright Laws.

"No need to be sarcastic."

(aside to audience) This is going to be a long season.

Anyway our next contestant is known by friend and foe alike as Boom-Boom.

"Ya got that right!"

Boom-Boom is a very awesome, live-life-in-the-moment gal, who enjoys getting her way, hanging out with friends, and walking on the wild side.

"Ah-hem…"

_Yes_, Magneto?

"Never mind."

Good.

Our next contestant is Cyclops, the one-eyed wonder of the X-Men. Cyclops enjoys being macho, being an excellent team leader, and spending his free time with his wonderful girlfriend Jean.

"More like, he enjoys having Wolverine save his butt, brown-nosing Professor X so he can lead missions, and being whipped."

"Ha, ha, Iceman. You're a real riot."

Now, now, Cyclops… If I'm looking at this thing right, it seems that some of your information was scratched out and written over. What it said underneath the previous description seems to be "enjoys collecting stamps, praying to be the best team leader ever, and doing whatever Jean wants me to do." Yeah, that sounds a lot like a whipped, suck-up loser to me.

(whimpers) "You're mean…"

Oh, suck it up, you baby.

"High five!"

Not now, Iceman. Next is Nightcrawler.

Nightcrawler is the blue, fuzzy dude that everybody loves, although not to be confused with Beast, the blue, fuzzy dude that only Rhodes Scholars love.

"I take offense to that."

Chill out, Beast. That's really a compliment.

"Ja!"

Nightcrawler is originally from Munich, oder München für unsere deustchen Freunde, and was the main attraction at the Munich Circus.

"Ja. Das war nicht so lustig…"

"What the heck is he, like, saying? Why can't you, like, just speak English?"

He just said, "Yeah, that wasn't very fun…"

"Dein Deutsch ist sehr gut!"

Danke schoen. And I didn't even need an Internet translator.

Last but not least is Angel. Angel has been voted by Fortune magazine as 2005's Wealthiest Mutant Who Isn't a Terrorist. Angel is a single, white male living alone in his penthouse in New York City.

"Excuse me, but you're making my profile sound like an ad for an online dating service."

Believe me, you'll thank me later. (winks) Sexy…

"I'm slightly frightened."

No wonder they call you Angel; that is one heavenly body.

"Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before."

Gimme a break, man. You're hot and I'm not reading from a script anymore.

Well, anyway, it's time to say goodbye, viewers. As I speak, all of our contestants are boarding an all-expense paid flight to the Island of their Doom.

"Doom? Nobody said anything about doom in the waiver."

Shut up, Cyclops. Just get on the plane and eat your peanuts.

"Peanuts? Cool!"

Iceman, sit down.

Well, viewers, goodbye until next week… Hey! Shadowcat! Get the hell outta the seat next to Angel! He's MINE!

"God help me…"


	3. The First to Leave

(A/N: Hey, everybody!! Sorry it took me two friggin' years to update. I got lost in school crap. Then I got a new computer and in the transfer..uh...lost my story for a few months. So, now I found it! And everything except for the last chapter is finished, so updates should occur fairly regularly. Also, because this story is set up as a combo between a narrative and a TV screen play, anything in parentheses is a stage direction or an aside. Thanks for being so patient!! Now...ON WITH CHAPTER 3!!!)

**Chapter 3. The First to Leave**

Welcome back, viewers. Today the rules of Mutant Survivor will be explained. First off, this show isn't exactly like the real Survivor.

"It isn't?"

No, Iceman, it's not.

"Why not?"

I'm getting to that part.

"But I wanted to do the crazy stuff and get the immunity idol!"

You'll just have to sign up for the regular Survivor for that, now won't you? Anyway, the main rule of Mutant Survivor is to outlast the others. The outwit part would be difficult, due to the fact that only Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending, would actually be able to do that. The outplay part is also void, because there really aren't any stunts, immunity idols, and what not to compete for.

"Then, like, why call it 'Mutant Survivor' if it's, like, not like Survivor at all?"

Because… (aside to director) Why are we calling it Mutant Survivor anyway? (awaits reply) Are you serious?

"Well, like, what's the answer?"

Because Mutant Castaways was already taken.

"Castaways? You mean you're leavin' us out there all by ahrselves?"

Yes, Rogue. All by yourselves…

Ah-hem… Back to the rules.

"Why should this thing have rules? It doesn't have a point."

Shut up, Pansy. (throws rock)

"Ow!"

Now… the rules. The main rule is you cannot leave the island. Main rule? Hmmm, well, actually that's the only rule.

"See? No point!"

Didn't I tell you to shut up, Pansy. (throws clipboard)

"Ow!!"

All right, now, Zippy, speed that back over here. I gotta read the rest of the rules.

"'Ang on a second. I thought y'said 'at was th'only rule."

Shhh… I've still got ten minutes to throw stuff at Zippy. See? (lets Pyro read clipboard)

"Oh, yeah, it does…" (throws clipboard at Quicksilver)

"OW!!"

"Crickey, Narrator! This _is_ fun!"

Isn't it?! Now back to what I was doing before Zippy interrupted me. Any mutant who comes into bodily contact with the ocean is disqualified. The last mutant left on the island is the winner.

"Crickey, 'at seems way too simple."

That is how it seems. (aside to director) You really thought this show was gonna get good ratings? It kinda sucks… (director relplies) Yes, sir, I do like my job… (director continues) Yes, sir, I'll continue with the narration.

Ah-hem… So, everyone, the plane is landing now… Thank you for flying Mutant Air; please don't stand until the plane has come to a complete stop.

"I think I'm gonna be sick…"

I thought I told you to shut up and eat your peanuts, you one-eyed weirdo.

* * *

Living up to everyone's hopes and dreams, Jean becomes the first to be thrown off of the island… less than ten seconds after landing.

"You know, I really _am_ the best mutant in Bayville. I try really hard to make sure everyone's happy. I mean, really, they should give me an Oscar or something. Well, maybe not an Oscar, but you know what I mean. I definitely deserve an award for how great I am."

Angel, disgusted with Jean's 'I'm the best' attitude, rants, and raves, grabs the redhead by the hair and flies her over the ocean.

"What the hell are you doing you flying freak of nature!! Let me go!!"

"Okay."

A few hundred yards from shore, Angel drops the "movie star" into the briny deep.

Back on shore, Angel receives several high five's, pats on the back, and congratulations all around, and one evil glare from Cyclops.

* * *

It's clear from the beginning that Bayville's resident millionaire sex-beast—

"You're making me sound so dirty again."

I told you, you'll thank me later. –Bayville's resident millionaire isn't quite cut out for "roughing it."

"You can say that again. This place stinks…and I mean literally."

Realizing he forgot his collection of men's perfumes and rightfully thinking that he might soon be sporting a not-so-heavenly-aroma, Angel flies to the top of a cliff to hail a passing cruise ship hoping to buy some cologne.

"Hey! Hey! Over here!!!"

Wolverine, Storm, Beast Scarlet Witch, Nightcrawler, and Boom-Boom take advantage of the golden opportunity to rush Angel, bind his wings, and toss him over the cliff. Angel was last seen feverishly flapping his arms trying to get enough lift before he hit the water.

Hey, wait a minute. That can't be right.

"But it is."

Shut up, Storm. It doesn't make sense. He can flippin' fly! Why didn't he just fly over to the cruise ship and fly back? That wasn't breaking the rules; he wouldn't have touched the water.

"That is true. Angel, why did you not just fly to the cruise ship?"

(gargly underwater voice) "I have no idea…"

* * *

Nightcrawler and Boom-Boom proceed to congratulate each other with high fives.

"That was totally wicked!"

"Ja, I know vhat you mean! We rock!"

Meanwhile, Wolverine sneaks up from behind and pushes them both off the cliff.

"That was for skippin' Danger Room practice last Thursday, Bub!"

Wolverine continues to shout, declaring extra practices for a month as the mischievous duo plummet into the drink.


	4. So Long Farewell Aufwiedersehen Goodbye

(A/N: Hello all! So, I lied to you last chaper... :( Sorry! But, hopefully, I will get the rest of this story posted before the end of 2008. This chapter is _really_ short, but I'm putting up the next 2 also. Enjoy!)

**Chapter 4. So Long, Farewell, Aufwiedersehen, Goodbye**

Avalanche is next to go…Thank God… Shadowcat sends him out to search for tropical roses, and he scurries off like a loyal puppy eager to do the bidding of his "kitty kat." Oh, please…

"Kitty kat? Like, where did that come from?"

"I love you, Kitty."

"Just go get me flowers, Lance."

"Yes, dear."

Unfortunately, Magneto is lying in wait. Unfortunately? I feel this is a happy turn of events.

The Master of Magnetism, patent pending, clubs Avalanche over the head with an anchor from a nearby sunken ship. The chain wraps itself around Avalanche's body and Magneto sends him coasting off the island.

Oh, happy day…

* * *

While casting flirtatious glances towards Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending, everyone's favorite metamorph doesn't notice her jilted ex-husband Sabertooth, who appears out of nowhere, picks her up, and tosses her like a rag doll into the ocean.

"Grrrr… That'll teach ya for leavin' me for that pansy Count Wagner!"

"But... I thought Mystique had it in with the network."

Apparently not, Cyclops. Just _please_ shut up and eat your peanuts.

"But I left them on the plane…"

You're on an island. Find a coco-nut; or a mango, perhaps. Just shut up.

Happy to have finally gotten revenge for Mystique leaving him for the European charm of Count Wagner, Sabertooth no longer cares about winning the competition and voluntarily dives into the water.

He is last seen backstroking off into the horizon, smiling all the way…

Hey, Sabe, didn't you forget something?

"Huh?"

Grrrr…(makes claw with hand) …y'know?

"WOLVERINE!!"


	5. More Shenanigans

**Chapter 5. More Shenanigans**

While all of the previous has been going on, Iceman has been busy playing air guitar in front of the mirror in his hut. Wait a minute. How the hell did you get a hut? You're the dumbest one on here, next to Pyro.

"'Ey! Wait a minute! I represent that!"

Don't you mean 'resent'?

"Yeah! 'At too!"

Oy vey…

"'Ey, you're Jewish?!"

Excuse me, viewers... (bashes head with clipboard). This clipboard is getting more action than I am… But _that_ wouldn't be the case if the stupid silver-spoon fed, Angel woulda forgotten that he was rich for one measly second and used his own darn energy to fly himself to the stupid cruise ship. I mean, why did he need cologne anyway? I like that sexy sweaty man smell…But I digress… Hey, Zippy, fetch me a drink.

Where were we anyway? (looks at clipboard) Oh, yeah, Iceman and his dumb hut…

"This nonstop 'jamming' is driving me crazy! How can I be a good team leader with crap like _this_ to deal with?!"

Cyclops decides that enough is enough and optic blasts Iceman into the ocean.

"Take that, you human popsicle."

Nice one, Cyke…(rolls eyes)

However, Iceman seems unfazed by it all and an hour later, our cameras catch him on the ocean floor, in full scuba gear, still jamming on his pretend guitar.

Oh, that's rich—Hey! Where'd he get the scuba gear?

"Probably the same place he got the hut."

Good point, Zippy… Now, where's my drink?

* * *

While Cyke is busy disposing of Iceman, Gambit and Colossus make the critical mistake of trying to steal Cyclops' case of designer Raybans.

"Hey! What are you doing with that?!"

A furious Cyclops chases them down to the water's edge and blasts Gambit back into the surf.

"Dat ain't fair! Gambit was jus' gettin' warmed up!"

C'est la vie, Gumbo.

But, as Gambit falls into the water, the case of sunglasses flies out of his hands and into the ocean.

"No!! Not my shades!!"

Cyclops, afraid of water spots on his lenses, dives into the water to rescue his frames…thereby eliminating himself.

Smooth move, loser.

* * *

Lecturing Pyro on tropical survival strategies, little does our blue and fuzzy philosophical geneticist know that his time is up.

"What's 'at, mate?"

"This? Oh, this is Cocos nucifera."

"God bless, y'mate."

"No, no. Cocos nucifera is the scientific genus and species of the common coconut."

As Beast is demonstrating how to make a short wave radio out of an empty coconut, Apocalypse comes up from behind and shoves the fuzzy Doc into the ocean.

"Hey, Bub, what happened to Hank?"

"Pyro did it."

" 'Ey! I didn't…or _did_ I?"

* * *

Scarlet Witch, Storm, and Quicksilver head to the dock and decide to gang up on Colossus to get him off the island…

Well, I would hope so. That guy's so big it would take a tank to move him.

"I shall take that as a compliment."

You can take it however you desire, tall, dark, and Russian—(aside to viewers) hey, gimme a break. Since Angel left, all I've really got is Zippy. (snaps fingers) DRINK!!

…but miscommunication proves to be their undoing. Scarlet Witch goes to pummel Colossus with a fallen tree trunk, but the nimble Acolyte ducks and Quicksilver gets blasted right in the kisser.

Aw, did that hurt, pretty boy?

"Wanda! Watch what the heck your do-oo-oo—"

Scarlet Witch and Storm both shrug as they watch the former fastest pansy on the island plunge into the ocean depths.

"—ing."

Great! Now I'm never gonna get my drink. Damn you, Zippy!


	6. Crazy Strategies

**Chapter 6. Crazy Strategies**

Though relieved at his narrow escape, Colossus is not able to enjoy the moment for long. As Scarlet Witch and Storm look on in astonishment, a deranged Pyro emerges from the trees in a grass skirt and coconut bra.

"Aloha, oi, mate!"

(aside to self) …I wonder if he's wearing any underwear…

Before he even knew what hit him Colossus is the recipient of a hard dropkick to the chest that sends him over the edge of the dock and into the ocean.

"Well, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen."

"You are correct."

"Wanna go strategize?"

"I feel that would be a good idea."

Hey, Pyro? Do you know how to make one of those drinks, you know, in the bowl-ish type glass with one of those little umbrellas in it?

"I dunno, but I could sure try."

All right. You have so far surpassed Zippy in intelligence, motivation, ingenuity, sex appeal, and the most important of all, ability to bring me my flippin' drink when I ask for it.

Zippy, you're fired.

(from underwater) "But I thought this was a parody of Survivor, not the Apprentice."

Do not insult me again! (throws mutant jellyfish)

**BBZZZZZT! STING!!**

"Owie!"

* * *

The wilds of this uncharted desert isle are a long way from the cold and snow of Canada. Nothing that Wolverine learned in his days with S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to have prepared him for survival in such an environment.

(snarls) "Damned mosquitoes… Hey, how did you get that information about S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

I have my sources.

Anyway, the man in the yellow spandex allows himself to be distracted by the lovely little Kitty.

"I, like, told you to bring bug spray. But, nooo, you, like, don't want to listen to me..."

"Not now, half-pint."

"Here, like, let me spray some—"

"AARGH! My eyes!!"

This gives Rogue the opportunity to sneak up from behind and suck the energy out of him. A stunned Wolverine stumbles into the ocean to escape the scheming girls.

"It's true: the female of the species _is_ more dangerous."

You better believe it, Wolvie.

* * *

When we last left Storm and Scarlet Witch, the Scarlet Witch had coaxed Storm to the end of the pier under the ruse of strategizing about how to get all the others off the island. An overzealous Storm follows the Scarlet Witch. As Storm breaks into her majestic Weather Witch routine, Scarlet Witch hexes her and starts laughing…

"You're dumber than I thought."

…and pushes her off the pier.


	7. Down to the Last Few

**Chapter 7. Down to the Last Few  
**

As the Scarlet Witch watches Storm drift out to sea, she fails to notice Rogue sneaking up on her with Pyro in tow. Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing with my sexy cabana-boy?

" Yeah, sheila, where we goin'?"

"You'll see…"

Rogue then pulls on the over-trusting Aussie's hair, which causes him to squeeze the trigger on his flamethrower, blasting Scarlet Witch off the pier.

"Crickey! 'At hurt!"

Quit picking on my cabana-boy!

"Yeah, quit pickin' on me!"

As Pyro runs away to nurse his aching scalp, Rogue leans over the edge of the pier.

"Tell, Zippy, Ah said 'hi.'"

* * *

Shadowcat's dream of being the sole survivor comes to an abrupt end when she gets bopped over the head and tossed into the sea by Apocalypse.

Now why would you do that, Apoc?

"Please, minion, you should be thanking me. And besides, she said she had cuter dimples than I did."

You're kidding, right?

"Absolutely not! You dare mock me?!"

No… I just can't believe this is really reality TV. The world we live in is strange…

And what's with all this "minion" crap? I'm the omniscient ambiguous narrator! I know everything… Now, where the hell did Pyro get off to?

* * *

As Rogue and Apocalypse walk away from their respective victories, Magneto, Master of Magnetism, patent pending, floats in and cleans Rogue's clock with a rowing oar.

Go, Magsy, go!

"Thank you, narrator."

You're welcome Master of Magnetism. Screw copyrights. You ARE the MASTER!!

Magneto then flattens Apocalypse into a box and traps Rogue inside—quite resourceful, Magnus—and then dumps the package into the ocean.

"Wait a minute… I didn't put my middle name on the form."

Uh… of course you did…(scribbles on Magneto's form) It's not like I'm stalking you or anything…


End file.
